Mourning The Loss of Friendship And Breaking Up With Family
Terminating A Friendship Or Family Relationship Is Heartbreaking
Today I am sharing what I have learned through a personal journey that I had to navigate within my own dysfunctional family, as well as the difficult process of letting friends go from my past.
This will be a to-be-continued column where I will eventually disclose in future publications more personal details and truths about my immediate family struggles and the heartbreak they have left with me throughout my adult life. I was also inspired to write this based on the podcast, This Is Actually Happening from Wondery in the episode titled, What If You Could Never Make Him Proud? A personal family struggle told by a man who freed himself from his father. I highly recommend it- look it up wherever you listen to podcasts.
This article is intended as helpful adult advice only. I am not a mental health professional and if any of these words trigger you, stop reading immediately and seek professional help.
I hope by sharing it will help you find a way through your own pain.
P.S. I still miss you, Brenda Star.
Let’s face it, often, it’s not your enemies who hurt you, but your own closest friends and family. If you have to hold your tongue or second guess yourself in the presence of family or friends you thought had your back, they are not truly ‘your’ people. If you feel constantly betrayed by the people you thought were on your side, then trust your gut instinct and let them go. Move on.
None of us want to admit we have an imperfect family or toxic friends that create drama in our lives. However, trusting yourself, setting boundaries, and distancing those who hurt you is a necessary practice for a healthy and happy life. After all, your people are supposed to have your best interest at heart. When they don’t and repeatedly hurt you - you know it. That voice inside telling you, “This hurts being with you” or “You hurt me again” is your internal navigation giving you direction to go a different way . . . or to go away.
It is Okay To Admit That Leaving A Friend Is Heartbreaking
Let’s start with breaking up with a friend. Or maybe they broke up with you?
Some friends come and go with ease in our lives and we don’t feel much at all about their disappearance. They may have been on the cheer squad or on the football team in high school- but they were merely in your circle of friends and after high school, you went to college and they did not, or vice versa. Or maybe you were close in college but you both moved away after graduation and just lost contact over the years.
Facebook and email are great but it can’t really replace seeing that person every day. These types of friendships with co-workers, people we met in specific places or events pass from us in the cycle of life. We evolve and can not continue to live in the past. Maybe you do miss them a little more when looking at your yearbook or thinking of that relationship in a moment of nostalgia.
The break-up friendship is much different and excruciatingly painful. It is traumatizing to suffer the loss of someone that truly knows you. That one person that keeps your secrets. It is DEATH. There is no other way to define it.
The emptiness in the hole of your entire being that you still feel from never seeing them again can never be filled or replaced. That one soulmate of a friend is defiantly not perfect and your friendship probably was not either. Sometimes they hate you for your honesty but accept it. They ignore your insecurities, accept your faults, and forgive no matter how many times you screw up- or they do, depending on which one of you was the rational and better adult. These friendships are usually strongly bonded in our youth, often sloppy and flawed, and have a long history. You loved and still love that person with all your heart.
If you are currently in the process of leaving a friend or mourning the loss of a friend of a lifetime- it will never get easier and time will not make it better. Still, you may need to cut the cord- let that part of your life live in the past.
Some of this advice will apply to the complications of terminating a friendship that has grown toxic. However, the difficult choice of distancing yourself from a family member or your entire family requires much more discussion.
How To Know What Is Normal And When To Let It Roll
All families have secrets and traditions. All friends and family hurt each other occasionally, in most cases unintentionally. This is normal. What is not normal is feeling uncomfortable, doubt, or a lack of trust within that close unit in the home or in a group of friends the majority of the time. When a close friend or a family member does hurt you but realizes it and apologizes or makes an attempt to be better and stop- this too is normal. All children and teens do have disagreements. Children learn to share and teenagers find a way to compromise in a healthy family. It is how we grow and pick up accepted social skills. As adults, we all have a moment of weakness or make a bad decision. It happens. Let’s not cancel everyone around us, in a moment of insult. Let that person know by saying something that brings it to their attention that you don’t appreciate their words or actions. It is okay to be a little snarky, but not hateful, in these moments to defend yourself, saying something similar to - “Wow, that was unexpected and a bit too honest!” or “Thank you for the unsolicited honesty?!” Give them the opportunity to realize their bad choice of words and ask for forgiveness in the moment. An apology is ideal, but may not always happen in an uncomfortable interaction. Value a loving sibling or parent that does it. If they say something hurtful or fail to apologize, once in a great while, give them a pass. Make the decision to let it roll off you. Give yourself permission to be like rubber and let it bounce off. Shake it off. Don’t dwell on it. You have to be part of that process too. Be patient, be tolerant. None of us are perfect. Making mistakes is natural and owning up to mistakes is difficult- but this is where normal family behavior gets cloudy.
Recognizing the difference between a healthy sibling relationship or a true friendship and the not-so-normal relationships in your life is the first step to trusting your internal navigation. It is human nature to make tactical decisions in social situations to protect yourself. Animals in the wild have evolved with an innate ability we call fight or flight in order to survive. Why should this be any different for humans? We have evolved too with complex social circles and family boundaries. If you are feeling preyed upon by someone or a circle of those closest to you, it is time to find a new herd.
This does not mean you need to dump your entire family or a best friend from high school or college immediately. It means, taking the time to evaluate and think critically about the history of the relationship and its present nature. Ask questions about a friend: Do I still enjoy being with this person? Do we still have things in common? Do our differences make our bond stronger? Are they honest with me or just telling me what I want to hear? Do I feel a sense of belonging and love when I am with them? Do we still laugh?
When It’s Not Normal and Deciding To Let Them Go
When it comes to family, of course, those questions are much more complex and you need time to determine if no contact or little contact is the right direction for you. Maybe you need a professional to step in and talk to about these questions and feelings. Maybe not. Therapy is not for everyone and it is okay to try it and find out it may not be the best help for your needs. One pill does not work the same for all suffering from the same condition. Some find answers and comfort from candid conversations with a loving spouse or another friend or family member outside your immediate circle. If you are in a difficult family relationship and are ready to make some type of change for yourself, talk to someone, preferably someone you trust and outside of your immediate family. Try seeking out a conversation with someone you know, but not your in-laws. They may have their own internal opinions and feelings about your family and may not provide a healthy discussion that would be entirely removed from their relationship with your family.
The old myths about holding on to friendship forever and loving your family no matter what is precisely that- they are myths. We all know the saying, “You can’t choose your family” - so stick with them and put up with it. However, it does not apply in long-term hurtful family situations. This is a nice Hallmark card sentiment, but it is, now more than ever, a false truth. This is morality telling the world that families work it out and get through minor grievances. And, yes, it is great advice- for NORMAL family relationships.
Most supportive families want to lift you up, help you through a difficult time in your life, and show remorse or regret when they realize you have been hurt, by them or someone in the family. Even the most imperfect or non-traditional family finds a way to hold you close and keep you safe and heal from an offense. That is the key question to ask - do you feel safe with your family or a specific family member? This is speaking in terms of general emotional support from your family- not physical safety or physical abuse. Can you be yourself with your other family members- weird, smart, artistic, introverted - whatever you are in your comfortable skin? Do you feel at ease not being great at something but still accepted by family members- even encouraged to pursue your strengths? If you make a mistake, does your family let it go?
If you have suffered within your family from multiple painful and repeated verbal humiliations, either from one or several members- this is NOT normal. If a family member conveys shame toward you, rather than support - this is NOT normal.
As adults, if you fight more than get along it may be time to evaluate and dive deeper into that relationship. Grab a pen and paper and make a pros and cons list and write down first all the things you truly love about that family member, despite their insults toward you. Include happy and positive memories, what you look up to in them. List out how have they helped you in the past. Now for the cons- specific to them, not how they hurt you in the past. Are they insecure? Are they jealous of you? Do they struggle in life with money, alcohol, their marriage or romantic relationship? Did their spouse cheat on them?
After reviewing the list, ask yourself, can you heal the relationship? Have you tried in the past to reach out to them about the hurt they have caused you? If they were open to discussing issues with you but continued on the same negative path in your interactions with them- have they truly opened themselves up? It may be cliche but truthfully some people never want to move forward and change.
Take some time for yourself. Question and evaluate your friendship or family dynamic, if you are still in contact. Seek help and advice from others. If you have exhausted all means of repairing a relationship or improving it, and you know that you are ready.
It is okay to break up.